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Friday, August 26th, 2005
2:33 am - miss me???
find me on myspace... i will be moving production over there for at least a while

join me.. it's free...


(1 Heffalump and Woozle | God is Pooh Bear)

Monday, August 8th, 2005
1:48 am
r.i.p. peter jennings

(2 Heffalumps and Woozles | God is Pooh Bear)

Monday, July 18th, 2005
1:21 am - karl rove needs to be assfucked in a federal prison and other observations...
...that shall be the title of my first book...

...these 4 things i KNOW are true...

1. this is a great year for music
2. stella is the best new show on television
3. syndication i where you make the sweet sweet dollar bills
4. and my name is christopher kendall feild

(2 Heffalumps and Woozles | God is Pooh Bear)

Wednesday, July 13th, 2005
1:41 am - the inevitable return of the great white dope
maybe i'm outta touch... but you motherfuckers are depressing... don't take this post to heart but what the fuck... i've been out o' the proverbial loop for a month and shit has been hitting the fan more than hurricane dennis sodomized cuba... panic on the streets of london... live 8... g-8... you people are more depressing than bob geldolf after he gets done singing his one hit song... this was just to get my feet wet.. i'll be back with a new arsenal for u whiney bitches tomorrow... pull it together

(3 Heffalumps and Woozles | God is Pooh Bear)

Saturday, June 11th, 2005
6:31 am - i am not dead.. just incommunicado
so what's the deal with me.. last two weeks met the following people in random order.. michael ian black, michael showalter, david wain, norm mcdonald, colin powell, newt gingrich, and russell crowe.. and mr. crowe did not throw anything at me...

.. i have come to the conclusion that by the year 2035, dating shows will have gotten everyone on this planet together, and the only single people left will be me and mindy from the "facts of life".. also got a promotion at work.. moving up the corporate ladder, although i am moving away from my daily show family.. tear tear...

sorry for the lack of posts, u crazy bastards missed me yet?? no internet at present.. i'm working on it.. talk later

(2 Heffalumps and Woozles | God is Pooh Bear)

Wednesday, May 25th, 2005
5:30 pm - nostalgia in the frozen food section
gather round my friends as i tell you a tale that is close to my heart... living in willow grove when i was young on quigley avenue. a warm summer afternoon was enveloping the neighborhood, and i would be in my backyard rolling down the hill, or climbing trees or just being a kid. and you could here the bells ringing in the distance on edgehill terrace. i quickly would drop everything that i was doing, and make a break for my bedroom.. or if the piggy bank was a little light, start screaming for my mom... "mom!!! mom!!! he's coming!!! can i have $2?!?!" bolting out the back door.. flying down the driveway.. just listening for that sweet sweet melody to come down the road... and the man would see the line developing on the sidewalk.. the kids debating with one another on what their selection would be this afternoon.. then the brakes screech a lil, the stop sign swings out the side. and the ice cream man has arrived. he pulls up in front of you, and you see that glorious picture menu of different confections that he is hauling in the mysterious freezers. there would be some expected pushing and shoving between brothers and sisters and next-door neighbors just to be the first in line.. it was like waiting to buy springsteen tickets at the age of 7.. some kids would make the same selection every day. they were hardcore... i mean, how is it possible for you to eat the baseball glove with the bubble gum ball in the middle everyday??.. my sister had a good system, her selections revolved around the mickey mouse head on a stick, and every once in a while mixed in a fruity popsicle as the mood struck her.. the key for her was variety... i, on the other hand had a simple strategy.. monday, wednesday, and friday was always designated for the WWF ice cream bar because you used to get a baseball card with every purchase... seemed like a pretty good investment at the time.. even though after a while, it was becoming perfectly clear that i kept getting the brutus "the barber" beefcake pop more and more and less likely to find the proverbial gold that was the hulk hogan... now on tuesdays, and thursdays i would get the best icecream confection ever put together... now, of course ladies and gentlemen, i am speaking of the CHOCO TACO. the choco taco was a glorious mix of vanilla ice cream and fudge ripple in a sugar taco-shaped cone topped with a milk chocolate coating and peanut slivers... it was heaven in a silver wrapper... now a choco taco only cost $1, so that meant that i was able to get 10 sticks of chinese bubble gum.... does anybody remember the chinese bubble gum??? it was of course just gum.. but it came in this exotic orange wrapper with the mysterious black lettering.. oh, the ice cream man was glorious... so today, i walked into a mom & pop deli just looking for a tasty beverage.. and i stumbled upon their freezer, and in the corner of the freezer was a box of choco tacos... the price has gone up 50 cents, but the taste is still worth every penny.. folks, i am enthralled with thoughts of my youth at the moment...

do yourself a favor, think back to your last 8 year old experience with the ice cream man... and go find that choco taco, or that mickey mouse head, or that rocket pop with the bubble gum in the bottom, or that malt-o-shake, or that push-pop.. and if by the luck of the draw, you find some chinese bubble gum, think of me... and chew it with a smile on your face, and a memory in your head.

thank you for your time.

(3 Heffalumps and Woozles | God is Pooh Bear)

Tuesday, May 24th, 2005
1:23 am - sensing a theme??
anne coulter is a republican whore, and i despise her.

i apologize that i could not put that more eloquently.

(2 Heffalumps and Woozles | God is Pooh Bear)

Thursday, May 19th, 2005
2:33 am - sorry mom and dad

Your Political Profile

Overall: 5% Conservative, 95% Liberal

Social Issues: 0% Conservative, 100% Liberal

Personal Responsibility: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal

Fiscal Issues: 0% Conservative, 100% Liberal

Ethics: 0% Conservative, 100% Liberal

Defense and Crime: 0% Conservative, 100% Liberal

(God is Pooh Bear)

12:21 am - i was forced into doing this by my pharmacist!!!
[1] Total number of films I own on DVD/video:
246- yeah, lot of shel space being occupied

[2] The last film I bought:
the life aquatic with steve zissou

[3] The last film I watched:
Kicking and Screaming--- and it sucked, completely blew.

[4] Five films that I watch a lot or that mean a lot to me:
jackass: the movie
high fidelity
tao of steve
midnight cowboy

that is all for now

(1 Heffalump and Woozle | God is Pooh Bear)

Wednesday, May 18th, 2005
1:00 am - if i hadn't blown the whole thing years ago...
for the record, i don't give a damn if you make fun of me for liking the gin blossoms... they were kickass...

i digress, congratulations to my sister, kate, for the big graduation... i would also like to thank her for not taking 21 credits every semester, and therefore giving me the opportunity to graduate first...

in other blacksburg related news, there is a possibility that i will be making a presentation to a marketing class during the fall semester... this basically means that i will have a power-point presentation with visual aids such as a bong, and a #2 biggie sized with an unsweetened iced tea from the local Wendy's... so for all you bored business majors in the area, this is sure to be a can't miss event.. what will the presentation consist of?? well, jokes about flatulence, and your mother being a whore, of course...

if the presentation is received well in the land of the hokies, then i shall take my show on the road... sort of like a non-jesus, bong-toting Benny Hinn, if you will...

and in benny hinn related news, i was flipping the channel the other evening, and there was a gentleman on the boob-tube giving away MIRACLE CLOTHS!!! have u seen this??? MIRACLE CLOTHS!!!... so this is what i have decided, i am going to call this preacher, and get myself one of these free miracle cloths.. and then i'm going to call the other preacher guy, and get myself one of these free tubes of the holy water... and i am going to combine the great MIRACLE CLOTH with the mystical TUBE OF HOLY WATER.. and do the dishes with it... because i can never seem to get that streak-free shine that they promise in the commercials!!

and now some inspirational words from the Rocky IV soundtrack:::

no easy way out - robert tepper

We're not indestructible, baby better get that straight
I think it's unbelievable how you give into the hands of fate
Some things are worth fighting for some feelings never die
I'm not askin' for another chance I just wanna know why
There's no easy way out there's no shortcut home
There's no easy way out givin' in can't be wrong

I don't wanna pacify you I don't wanna drag you down
But I'm feelin like a prisoner like a stranger in a no named town
I see all the angry faces afraid that could be you and me
Talkin about what might have been I'm thinkin about what I used to be
There's no easy way out there's no shortcut home
Ther's no easy way out givin in can't be wrong

Baby, baby we can shed this skin we can know how we feel inside
Instead of goin down an endless road not knowin if we're dead or alive
Some things are worth fightin for some feelings never die
I'm not askin for another chance I just wanna know why
Theres no easy way out there's no shortcut home
There's no easy way out givin in givin in can't be wrong no
There's no easy way out there's no shortcut home
There's no easy no easy no easy way out

doesn't it just give u goosebumps?? no?? well uhh, mi scuzi!!

(God is Pooh Bear)

Tuesday, May 10th, 2005
3:09 pm - take me with you 'cause i'm lonely
alright here's the time in the show where i tell you that the new weezer album is the best album of their career... forget pinkerton, forget blue, forget green... MAKE BELIEVE IS WEEZER'S BEST ALBUM!!!! go get the damn album... it will be the album of the summer... it just feels good... it's a sing-a-long-a-palooza!!!

(God is Pooh Bear)

Saturday, May 7th, 2005
3:15 am - walking down bleecker with a pocket full of nickles
my official response on the dave chappelle situation, "i have no comment at this time"... that was sent to me in a memo today... the MAN is cracking down on me

(God is Pooh Bear)

Friday, May 6th, 2005
5:38 am - the truth shall be told
stolen from libracat

How to make a drinkandstink

3 parts competetiveness

5 parts ambition

1 part leadership
Add to a cocktail shaker and mix vigorously. Add a little cocktail umbrella and a dash of curiosity

(1 Heffalump and Woozle | God is Pooh Bear)

Wednesday, May 4th, 2005
2:44 am - another new show for u
can't get enough of your favorite "daily show" correspondent stephen colbert?? fear not kiddies, for starting in september comedy central is proud to bring you "the colbert report"... we have heard your pleas....

"the colbert report" for your enjoyment... coming in september

(1 Heffalump and Woozle | God is Pooh Bear)

Sunday, May 1st, 2005
5:25 am - sometimes it all makes sense

(1 Heffalump and Woozle | God is Pooh Bear)

Thursday, April 28th, 2005
4:14 am - talk with the animals

the news is easy to deliver.. hell i'm sittin here in boxers with a cigarette, and you're listening to me.. anchors make it seem so difficult..... i'm reading a teleprompter over here!!!


anyway  on to the news... well  the whale in the delaware river, has now moved... but to the schuykill river...  so, let me get this correct... the whale goes from the delaware to the schuykill... that's like being traded from the phillies to the pirates... they both suck...  in other animal news...  toads in hamburg, germany are exploding... EXPLODING TOADS IN GERMANY!!!  

now scientists have no idea why there are spontaneoulsy combusting toads in hamburg germany... and city residents have been warned to stay away from the pond, for fear of catching a piece of toad shrapnel in the leg...   i don't even have a witty interjection for this.. i mean people, how much more funny do you need... toads are exploding... thats comedy gold...

(God is Pooh Bear)

Monday, April 25th, 2005
1:48 am - spewing with bullshit
look out kiddies.. it's stream of consciousness day here at the clubhouse!!!

first of all, chicks, sometimes, i just don't get you guys (guys being the parlance of our time for everyone). i wonder if i should include footnotes in this motherfucker... y for fucks sake am i listening to "the living end"? alright, so back to chicks... so, i schedule 18 holes of golf for this past wednesday, and this woman tells me that she's got tickets to the lion king on broadway on wednesday, and she wants me to reschedule my golf so i can go. so, i reschedule golf, no problem... so anyway, last weekend comes and goes, and on monday, i get a call from my mom... and mom proceeds to tell me that it was a friend of the family who was killed due to the hit and run in northeast philly two thursdays ago. bill hartey was my cousins uncle... so anyway, i had to go to the funeral.. and the funeral was last wednesday.. so i tell this girl on monday that i can't go see the lion king, because i have to go to a funeral... and she completely freaks out, doesn't believe me... so i'm laughing out loud hysterically because she doesn't believe me... because it's fucking hilarious... so she says, that she wants to see the mass card thingy that everybody gives out at funerals... so wednesday comes, and i go to the funeral, and thursday i see her for lunch, and i give her the mass card. and i put it on the table and i say, "here you go, enjoy your lunch."... so i broke up with her... and it was such a great break up move to use the mass card of a dead friend of the family as the final omen... i'm proud of myself... so anyway, i go back to my office... and in the cab, my cellphone starts vibrating... so i pick up, and she starts balling her eyes out... and i'm like "oh christ, stop your ballin... you got the proof, exactly what you wanted... goodbye"... best breakup of my life... i'm a champ... i am a rock, and a champ!!...

so, now i'm gonna ask this girl out who i work with, i don't think it's a good idea to date someone that you work with, but she's cute, so fuck logic...

i'm using the word "fuck" alot in this entry... bummer for all of the linguists in the audience...

so i won warped tour tickets courtesy of y100rocks.com... i knew that "jiminy jilikers" was fallout boy's catchphrase, as played by millhouse on "the simpsons"... so i got that going for me, and that's good... i also bought tickets to see keller, and string-cheese incident at the festival pier... if u wanna go, gimme a call... keller williams is the best guitarist i have ever seen in concert... i guarantee u a good time... springsteen's new album comes out on tuesday... it's titled "devils and dust"... all acoustic, should be pretty fucking amazing... do yourself a favor and pick it up...

i would also like to reach out to those of you who are surfing on the anonymous superhighway that is the www, feel free to comment on why i suck, or why you want to fuck me... either way... my journal... fair and balanced baby!!!... so step up to the plate, and come with your best shit... thanks to all my loyal readers out there...

i'm listening to "motownphilly" so just imagine me groovin as much as possible without having to get up out of my chair... watched like 15 hours of the nfl draft this weekend, that was great!!! the draft has turned into a bit of a national holiday, at least for football nerds like myself...

so i was in this student film today.. and i was in the room for the pre-edit.. and i saw the footage... and i saw the bald spot... oh god, it's terrible.. the first time i've ever seen my bald spot... it's a nightmare... i feel so terrible... right in the back of my head, or the top of my head, depending on how you look at things...

and now to wrap this thing up... some lyrics from our friend rivers cuomo, and his bandmates of weezer...

"How stupid is it
For all I know you want me too
Or maybe you just don’t know what to do
And maybe you’re scared to say
I’m falling for you
I wish I could get my head outta the sand
’cause I think we’d make a good team
And you would keep my fingernails clean
But that’s just a stupid dream that I won’t realize
’cause I can’t even look in your eyes without shakin’
And I ain’t fakin’
I’ll bring home the turkey if you bring home the bacon"

(2 Heffalumps and Woozles | God is Pooh Bear)

Saturday, April 23rd, 2005
8:09 am - life imitating art
ok, ok, gotta new joke... stop me if you've heard it... ok, how many cops does it take to handcuff a 5 year old??? giveup?? 3... 3 cops... now if you didn't bust a gut with laughter, i dunno what will do it... but go to cnn.com to read the whole story...

(God is Pooh Bear)

Tuesday, April 19th, 2005
10:42 pm - i'm a junior in high school again
ya know, the same thing happens to me every year at about this time... i don't know why i was convinced that this year would be different... the weather has gotten nice, and everybody is walking around with a smile... and just like clockwork, i start listening to blink 182 again... i dunno... it's crazy... but everytime the weather gets nice, and u realize that it's finally spring, i go and seek my copy of "dude ranch" like it was a cambodian hiding in the bushes...

editor's note:: chris has nothing against the fine people of cambodia, and furthermore, realizes that his use of that country in a heartless simile, was both low-brow, and crude... mr. feild would like to extend his apologies to the great land of cambodia, and its upstanding citizens.

(God is Pooh Bear)

Monday, April 18th, 2005
2:14 pm - observation of the week
i don't know if i have enough material to scribe a book.. but i could write a hell of a pamphlet.

(1 Heffalump and Woozle | God is Pooh Bear)

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